Many of you either know me in real life or follow me in the Mr. Money Mustache forums, so you already know my sad news. For those just joining in: After 15 years of marriage (that’s ages 20–yes, 20–to 35), Mr. FP and I are divorcing.
It’s amicable and mostly mutual and sad and painful.
The effect on my self-concept has been swift and startling. Among my many roles–mother, professional librarian, daughter, middle sibling–was that of Respectable Wife. And I tried to be a good wife. I worked part-time and made a home. I washed my husband’s clothes and ironed his favorite shirts. I reduced the amount of onion called for in recipes by at least half, maybe two-thirds, and what onion I did include was food-processed almost to the point of puree, because that’s how he tolerates onion. I have a killer recipe for cornbread. I brought home Cadbury mini-eggs from the store every spring the very first day I saw them for sale.
If there were some sort of spouse achievement scale, I would score average to above average for sure. But none of those things made me the right wife for the man I was actually married to.
So I’ll need to cross Respectable Wife off my mental list of Roles I Play. Now, all my other roles also involve relating to and doing things for other people, so I guess I’ll take some of the time and intellectual energy I was devoting to fulfilling my role as Respectable Wife and spend it on being Myself more fully.
Aside from using larger chunks of onion, I’m not entirely sure what that means after all these years, but I’ll be interested to find out as the dust settles.
We are selling the house and I’ll be living, at least temporarily, in something like a one-bedroom apartment, and the boys will be living with me about half the time. That should add up to much less cooking, cleaning, laundry, and general homemaking, so my use of time will be quite different.
Solo adulting and single parenting will present all kinds of exciting new frugality possibilities and budgetary challenges, so I hope you’ll stay tuned.
This post contains affiliate links for research purposes. I got both books from my public library.
Results are in for my second effort at sewing a skirt. Two highlights:
- I had dropped one size.
- I got the zipper in on the first try (see “Caught in the Zipper” for my previous travails).
I did have some snafus. When I sewed the pleats, the skirt came out a little smaller than it was supposed to. I overcompensated when I made the lining, so it was too small and had to be altered. Twice. Grandma FP said I should sew a new one from new fabric but I was too lazy to face a new set of darts, so I just sewed a strip of fabric into the side. (And then a large strip when the first one wasn’t big enough.) Probably not the approved method, but hey, it’s a skirt. The zipper space in the lining, for some reason, is not as long as the actual zipper, but I can get it on and off, so who cares?
Also, the darts don’t quite match up between the skirt and the lining. Well, one of them does, and the other looks like this:
I used the “contrast pleat” pattern from the same book I used last time, The Essential A-line. I consulted a second book, Skirt-a-Day Sewing, but it seemed too complex for my current skills. Their designs feature waistbands and interfacing rather than full lining, and the suggested sewing kit is much larger. (I can’t imagine that I will ever invest in a “tailor’s ham,” for instance. It is a ham-shaped hard pillow thing used for ironing darts, apparently.)
I think next time, I will stay away from pleats altogether and try something a little simpler. I really want a black skirt and have not found a satisfactory one in stores. Note to retailers: Not everyone likes pencil skirts. Some of us look pregnant in them.
Cost for materials was under $20. I did not buy any new gadgets! I was really, really tempted to buy a real metal invisible zipper foot, but I resisted the urge and I actually found that my cheapo plastic one worked much better this time under my more-experienced hand. It did not fall apart even once! I bought new polka dot and lining fabric and used up some of the leftover houndstooth from my first skirt.
Here are some pics of the finished skirt. I’m a librarian, so I can do stuff like go to work wearing a homemade polka-dot-and-houndstooth skirt and low-top Chuck Taylors (not shown).
What are you making lately, or what new skills have you learned?
Last month, after two and a half years in operation, my blog finally crossed the advertising payment threshold and I received a payment of $11.47 from Amazon. Partly in honor of this momentous occasion, here’s a book roundup. Amazon links are affiliate, of course, but your library probably has these excellent books. In fact, I only own one of them; it was given to me secondhand as a gift.
I spent most of my twenties feeling like a fake adult. In retrospect, it’s not surprising–I was working in a job (teaching) for which I was both unqualified and temperamentally unsuited, with mostly older coworkers.
This year, I am thirty-five. That’s the age my mother was when I was eight years old; it’s about the age my beloved Girl Scout leader was when I joined her troop in 1990. They seemed like real adults, and I’ve finally decided that I am, too! A flawed adult who knows more than average about some things and less than average about others, but not qualitatively different from other adults. In short, I have grown enough confidence to at least fake adulting. And here are some of the books that have helped me on my way.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen Covey
I was assigned this classic for my library school class on management. Yes, it is a little corny in places and will seem even more so if you are not a Christian (though this comprises only a tiny part of the book). But it helped me stop whining and instead think about what I was actually trying to accomplish and how to do it, as well as how to listen first before you talk.
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich
There’s a key lesson here that anyone can benefit from: You will never convince anyone of anything by telling them that their feelings are wrong. That way madness lies.
Lessons from Madame Chic: 20 Stylish Secrets I Learned While Living in Paris by Jennifer L. Scott
This is a funny one to be on the list, perhaps, but I find myself thinking of it often. Part of a way of Francophile books, the premise here is a woman looking back fondly on her time spent as an exchange student in France, when her host mother was the lovely “Madame Chic.” I am not as elegant as the author, let alone Madame Chic, and never will be. But thinking of the always put-together Frenchwoman sometimes makes me put on my damned earrings before I leave the house, and has also inspired to overshare less (as one of Madame Chic’s lessons is to be a little mysterious) and apologize for myself less.
The Hands-On Home: A Seasonal Guide to Cooking, Preserving & Natural Homekeeping by Erica Strauss
Another one that I think of often. (I have even sent my personal thanks to the author, who used to hang around the Mr. Money Mustache forums as something like Erica @ NW Edible.) When I read the author’s admonition to think of your evening chores as a gift to your tomorrow self, I’ll be honest: I thought it was corny. It is not corny. It is powerful. When I put the kids to bed and then have to go back in the damned kitchen to do the dishes, thinking about my husband and children wasn’t helping. What did help was thinking about how I would feel in the morning. Some nights I work late or am unusually tired, and then I think, “My tomorrow self will have to fend for herself.” More often, I stick it out the extra seven minutes or whatever to finish properly and wipe the counters with my lovely-smelling, attractively green peppermint counter spray (recipe from the book) and then I feel great.
There is, of course, a fantastic wealth of other information in this book, from advice about tidying to canning recipes to directions for airing out your mattress, and it would be an excellent addition to any home library.
What books helped you find your adulting mojo? I’m not the only one who has felt like an imposter, right?